azrael [MANAKETE]

[Deleted]

azrael

feroxi - manakete - three hundred and two

positive Optimistic Enthusiastic Crafty Confident Fair

negative Chaotic Apathetic Dare-devil Rash Obstinate

history

-- Azrael was born in a small community that was plagued by innumerable blizzards. Her parents were missing, thus leaving her to raise herself as a young child.

-- The village had a legend about a snow woman, that would either save or kill travelers. This was Azrael, living apart from the humans because she was scared of them, but helping those that go lost in the mountains.

-- The village was buried under an avalanche, and the village moved closer to the sea, Azrael going with them in secret, doing the same as she was before but with shipwrecks and those lost at sea.

-- Most people were afraid when they first saw her, and it made Azrael realize that people didn't like her, which made her more reticent then most would, and as such mostly worked in secret.

-- A person shipwrecked, and was too weak to make it to the shore or be left near it. So Azrael took this person in. This person began to teach the manakete some basic things about society such as reading and writing, and how to talk to others.

-- After a year, this person died, and Azrael brought their body to the nearest town. Instead of being thanked, she was hunted down for supposedly killing the person, until someone found a letter detailing part of Azrael's situation, mainly pleas to take in the child.

-- The people brought Azrael to the village she had always helped, raised mostly in a cage and other abusive methods due to being sub-human in nature. As more people let the village the grow, the more they wanted to keep her a secret, so they hid her in many places and put a lot of limits on her.

-- Azrael found herself becoming rebellious, and broke out of her restrictions, and escaped the village, deciding to travel for a large amount of time, about a hundred years or more. She would hope that the villagers would forget about her.

-- Azrael has had a lot of adventures but she doesn't talk about them currently. She may in the future, elaborate on some situations that would occur between the present time and after she had left the village.


Weapon: Dragonstone
Birthday: November 24th
Four Base Classes: Manakete, Archer, Thief

Notes: Azrael's manakete traits are somewhat capable of being missed but noticeable at the same time. The tattoos are on her body are actually slightly harder then the rest, resembling small scales. On her back, there is a pair of wings, but they are small enough and flexible enough to wrap around her chest; luckily for her, the outsides are the same colour as her skin, so it's not hard to hide. Also, her manakete form is very reminiscent to a dragon; made of a primarily light grey shade of aquamarine. A lot of her limbs are fold-able, allowing her to enter the water and move swiftly within water combat as well. She has teeth like a shark, both in and out of dragon form, and has a bit more strength then normal.

OOC: Melody, 18+
Faceclaim: [b]LEAGUE OF LEGENDS[/b] - Jinx - [i]azrael[/i]

[Deleted]

Pending

hold on a moment

Hey Mel. Azrael looks fine and dandy but I'll have to pend you for the moment due to more technical reasons.

Jumping in the to the more difficult fix is the structure of your history. The way you constructed your thoughts are quite disorganized. It might be difficult to see as its author, so I'll show it through a sentence outline of the first paragraph you wrote.

1. Azrael was born some hundreds of years ago.
2. She lived alone in the mountain and didn't care for people and things.
3. She had no parents.
4. Her aquamarine hair and red eyes were stuff of legends.
5. The local community had a rumor about a snow woman.
6. The snow woman brought lost travelers in the blizzards.
7. There were a lot of snowstorms in the community.
8. Azrael fancied herself as a guide.
9. During these kind of storms, she would go out and bring lost ones to the cave.
10. Some didn't make it, some had the strength to live.
11. That was her life since she was a young child. She lived that way since she could walk and talk.

I hope you would be able to notice the jumbled sequence of your sentences. From the way it was written, the paragraph had two topics: about Azrael and the community. While I did make the connection that she is the snow woman the community spoke of, the order is still messy and confusing, jumping from one topic to another.

Try writing straight to the point. Writing that way doesn't mean you're being bland and uncreative. I don't think there's any issue on that if you know you're complex sentences (which you do) but you'd need to structure your thoughts better.

To guide you a bit, you could write the first paragraph describing first the community Azrael belonged to, establishing the blizzards it constantly experienced and the stuff of the legend she was, and then bring in the story of this snow woman named Azrael.

Fixing this particular issue would need rewriting of the entire history. I would highly recommend you switch to a listing format if you don't want to go through all the work for that.

Now, the second one is more of a follow-up on the one above. There are some errors with commas but the most glaring I can't let pass is the semicolons. My simplest advice on this is to not use them at all if you're not 200% how they're supposed to be used. The only time you would absolutely have to use them is to link two clauses with however, which you did in the second to the last paragraph.

When you've made those changes, post here again, and if you have questions, you can post here or PM me, whichever suits you better.

I know this pend might sound too critical but I think this would be useful for future reference.

[Deleted]

Sorry for the wait; I just decided to do points because I didn't want to rewrite the whole history, and been putting it off because of that '.' Hopefully the points give what I want across perfectly fine =w=

[Deleted]

Accepted

welcome friend

Congratulations, you've been approved! Before you get to roleplaying, however, there's a few things that you should do:

- File your claims in the claims board
- Create a Tracker thread in the Convoy
- Perhaps join a quest in the paralogues board

You have also been presented with the Dragonstone (30) and given the starting class of Manakete. We hope you will prove a welcome ally to the Knights of Cydonia!